By | Sydney Stevenson
In a society where women are valued by their proximity to Eurocentric beauty standards, femininity is a weapon– one that has been used against black women for centuries. For white women, femininity is a gift bestowed from birth, always assumed and never questioned. For black women, femininity and womanhood must be tirelessly proved. But why? Historically, the defeminization of black women dates back to– you guessed it– slavery and colonialism. Today, we see these same patterns in the exclusion and ostracizing of black women from internet trends such as the ‘Coquette’ and ‘Soft Girl’ aesthetics. So, how did this become a problem, why are we still dealing with it today, and will we ever move past policing black women’s womanhood?
From an early age, I knew my femininity was conditional. If I wore my hair short or wore clothes that weren’t overtly feminine, I would be masculinized. If I raised my voice or spoke up for myself, I would be told to be less aggressive and more ‘ladylike’. But, I saw girls with lighter skin do the same: wear short haircuts, dress like a ‘tomboy’, show aggression verbally and physically, and yet, their femininity was never questioned. I saw my experiences reflected in the treatment of black girls online in response to the Coquette and Soft Girl aesthetics. The Coquette trend is defined by Vogue as, “Largely focused on a prim, hyper-feminine aesthetic—complete with sweet florals, cottagecore-style lace, and of course, loads of pretty bows.” The Soft Girl aesthetic is an offshoot of Coquette but focused on a more minimalist approach to femininity. Naturally, as with many internet trends, black girls online participated in it. Unlike their white counterparts, they were met with vitriol and a slew of hurtful, racist comments likening them to men. It became abundantly clear that no matter how much black women conformed to traditional standards of femininity, it would never be enough to be seen as a woman.
The masculinization of black women, like many other issues within our society today, stems from white supremacy. In the antebellum South, the dynamic between white men and women remained mostly on the gender binary. White men were expected to be strong providers and white women we expected to be caring wives and mothers. For black women, because all black people were viewed as property, the gender binary had largely been blurred, and black women were robbed of any true gender expression. Fast forward to the mid-20th century, Black women were portrayed in the media using three stereotypes: the Mammy, the Sapphire, and the Jezebel. The Mammy archetype was a subservient, older black woman void of any desire but that of serving her white masters. The Sapphire is the ‘angry black woman’, loud, mean, and vulgar. The Jezebel portrayed black women as hypersexual and promiscuous, using their bodies to lure and trick white men. In all of these portrayals of black women, although wildly different, they served as the antithesis to white femininity, which represented purity and innocence. We are seeing this currently with Coquette, Soft Girl, and other hyper-feminine microtrends. When black women express any showing of traditional femininity, they are ridiculed and reduced to the harmful archetypes that have been pushed on them for decades.
The denial of femininity to black women not only has negative societal effects but also has negative mental health effects on black women. Because many black women have been violently masculinized for most of their lives, many feel the need to overcompensate their femininity. This can manifest in a variety of ways: constantly feeling the need to dress in a feminine-presenting way, toning down their personality to appear ‘softer’, hypersexualizing or infantilizing themselves, etc. For years, I wore things I didn’t want to wear, did things I didn’t want to do, and forced myself to be somebody I wasn’t all for the validation of people who would never see me as feminine no matter how hard I tried to prove it to them.
Femininity is a spectrum. Short hair is feminine. Dressing however you want to is feminine. Being outspoken and standing up for yourself is feminine. Black womanhood is also a spectrum, which, like any other version of womanhood, includes but is not limited to femininity. No woman, especially no black woman, should not be policed on if they are feminine enough. Femininity is defined within oneself and should not be defined by rigid standards that only certain women can adhere to.
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